After an affair, it might feel impossible to repair and rebuild your marriage. But, if you (and your spouse) are committed to making it work, you can get your relationship back on track.
It’s important to reiterate what was just said: Both of you have to be willing to commit to repairing your marriage.
There is no “quick fix” once trust is broken. It will be a journey (perhaps a pretty long one), and both of you have to be willing to walk together through it.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at nine steps you can take to get your marriage back on track after an affair.
1. Start Marriage Counseling
Couples benefit from marriage counseling for many reasons. You might think you should wait until you have no hope left in your marriage to start counseling, but that isn’t true.
When both of you commit to marriage counseling after an affair, you will have a better understanding of the changes you’ll need to make for your relationship to survive. Marriage counseling forces you to look at those changes and decide how you’re going to make things work.
2. Think About What Caused the Affair
Most affairs happen for a reason, not “just because.” To make sure it never happens again, finding out why the affair happened is a big part of moving forward.
This may call for you to address some underlying issues in the marriage. But that's a good thing for everyone involved.
3. Avoid Triggers
You may need to make some changes in your relationships to avoid any potential triggers. Have you found yourself flirting with someone at work? Is there a friend your spouse spends a little too much time with?
Only when you commit to making changes in your relationships, you can start to rebuild trust within your marriage.
4. Sincerely Apologize
This might sound simple, but a sincere apology can go a long way. If you were the one involved in the fair, showing true remorse over the hurt you've caused is a positive first step toward healing and restoring your marriage.
Of course, facing your spouse and taking responsibility for what you did isn't easy. But, if you realize how precious your relationship is, you can find the motivation and courage to do it.
5. Be Willing to Listen
You’re going to have to discuss the affair with your spouse, even if you don’t want to. And you’re going to have to hear things from them that aren’t easy to bear. Marriage counseling can make it easier to handle, though, since you have a neutral third party in the room.
Ultimately, you’re going to have to listen to things that are hard to hear as everything is put on the table. It’s better to get it all out in the open now rather than allow your spouse to keep more secrets.
6. Surrender Your Privacy
A marriage based on trust means you shouldn’t have harmful secrets. So, if you were the one involved in an affair and you want to rebuild that trust, give your partner access to any and all of your “private” areas of life.
Let them look at your phone from time to time. Give them the password to your email address and phone. It might seem like an invasion of privacy—and in a way, it is—but it's necessary.
7. Allow Time for Healing
There is no perfect timeline for a marriage to heal after an affair. Rather, you have to give yourself and your spouse time to work through the ins and outs of what happened and to develop a plan to move forward.
If you feel like your spouse isn’t forgiving you fast enough, or you’re ready to move on and they aren’t, don’t push them. Healing doesn't happen overnight. Everyone recovers from a betrayal like this in their own time, and patience is key.
8. Give Extra Attention
If you were the person affected by the affair, you might need consistant reassurance from your spouse because the betrayal made you feel unloved and unwanted. If you were the one involved in the affair, don’t be afraid to give it!
Your spouse will likely need extra attention and affection (not necessarily sex) for a while after finding out about your affair. Self-esteem often gets crushed by infidelity. Working on rebuilding it is an important step in restoring your marriage.
9. Allow Time for Forgiveness
If you were hurt by an affair, but you want to work on your marriage, you have to be committed to forgiving your spouse. Forgiveness means to let go of resentment and not holding the affair against them tomorrow, or the next day, or in ten years.
When you say you truly forgive your spouse, your actions have to back it up.
And if you're the partner who was involved in the affair, you can’t try rushing your spouse to forgive. Forgiveness is earned, not demanded. So, don’t pressure your spouse into forgiving you, or they’ll be less likely to give you their trust. It takes time and patience.
As you can see, all of these steps take hard work, time, and commitment. But marriage counseling can help you take each step together. If you want to get your marriage back on track after an affair, please contact me for more information on how I can support your goal.