9 Steps To Get Your Marriage On Track After The Affair

  1. Start marriage counseling now knowing that change will be required of both of you. No one wants to change. People generally want to stay the same, but, in order for your marriage to survive, positive change is the key to success, to keeping your marriage together.
  2. Start thinking about why the affair happened– Generally, affairs occur for a reason. Our job will be to find out the reasons to make sure an affair can never happen again.
  3. Make changes in your life–Both of you may need to change your friendships and work relationships to make sure that the triggers of an affair are no longer there.
  4. Apologize for the affair– You must be truly sorry if this one is to work effectively.
  5. Listen–Your spouse will talk excessively about the affair to the point that you feel you cannot handle one more word. Most of the listening can be done in the counselor’s office.
  6. Be ready to surrender your privacy–give your partner access to all email accounts and all cell phones and bills. Be available 24 hours a day to ensure your spouse that you really mean what you are saying about giving up the affair.
  7. Realize that your spouse will not heal overnight–it may take between 6 to 12 months for your spouse to forgive the infidelity. Allow your spouse time to heal, do not rush the process and become impatient. The healing is not real if enough time is not allowed for it.
  8. Be ready to give your spouse more attention–Many partners need extra attention and affection (not necessarily sex) after an affair. Spouses frequently need reassurance since their self esteem has been damaged by the affair. They frequently feel unloved and unwanted.
  9. Allow your spouse time to truly forgive–This one is really difficult. It is out in the open, it is over, it has been discussed, why isn’t everything perfect? It is hard to learn to trust again and to truly forgive. This one takes time and hard work. Time alone will not let your spouse forgive. Forgiveness has to be earned slowly, one step at a time, baby steps.

Best Wishes,

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