Mother’s Day

Everywhere I went today I saw a dazzling array of flowers. For many, Monther’s Day will be a joyful celebration. I see something totally different in my office, unfortunately, I see other stories. Some people are still grieving over mothers who have passed on. There is something called an Anniversary Reaction, where people get depressed around the time of their mother’s death or on Mother’s Day or both. Grieving is normal but prolonged grieving is not healthy.

Marital problems are especially difficult to handle around holidays, any holiday. When marriages are struggling for any reason, holidays take a toll. People feel tense and go overboard if trying to save a marriage. The children, if still at home, feel the tension.

My solution is quite simple. Do something you do not usually do, go to dinner, visit family out of town, go to a park, anything that is not the same as every other Mother’s Day.

I hope this works for you so that you can have a Happy Mother’s Day. Thinking of all of you with hope.

Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the hardest problems to resolve in counseling and impossible to resolve without counseling. It takes 6 to 8 months of fairly regular appoints to get over it and to resolve why it happened. There is always a reason for infidelity. Serial cheaters usually cannot change. One or two time cheaters can change if motivated.
Motivation is the key to change in a marriage. I often say that if I have 2 motivated, committed partners, I can make it work. Check out my website at MontgomeryMarriageCounseling. com. I have a detailed program on Infidlity.

Children of Parents with Marital Problems

Children with parents who are having problems have their own set of issues. What you don’t know is that I did an Internship in Clinical Psychology at Childrens Hospital Medical Center in Boston.

Children tend to feel responsible when parents are having problems. Usually, they feel guilty about causing the conflict in an adult relationship. Children love both of their parents and they should. Their self esteem is dependent on being able to love each parent.

So parents would be wise to not have conflict in front of the children. Wait until they are asleep and check to be sure. Take your conflicts outdoors. Never say a bad word about a partner because you are then saying something bad about the child or children. Next post will be on Divorce.

Age of Technology

We are living in the age of technology. People are using computers and the Internet for nearly every aspect of their lives – to manage finances, to search for jobs, to go shopping, and even to find excitement. Internet dating is becoming an increasingly popular method of meeting partners, but be careful while on the Internet.

People feel less pressured when revealing things about themselves on the net. It is almost like having 3 drinks when shielded by the computer. Inhibitions tend to decrease when one is not face to face with a person.

People frankly lie about themselves on the net, not everyone, but enough to cause me concern. People omit details about themselves and can almost adopt a different personality. It is easy to get swept into a fantasy world, because everyone wants so badly to be part of a relationship, so many people fill in the gaps with their imagination. In other words, we can and do create the other person in our minds.

Another side-effect of the ease and anonymity of online communication is that individuals may reveal a lot of personal information that they would not disclose in a real-life situation. Since inhibitions go out the window online, it is very easy to disclose very intimate things about yourself very quickly. Back up and get to really know the person with whom you are being intimate.

I believe it is important to exchange pictures, understanding that people frequently look better on the internet. The next step is real phone conversations. Much later on you can meet in person. But, be sure to meet in a safe, public place, and be careful about the amount of personal information you divulge.

My point about internet dating–fall for a real person, not for a fantasy.